Mwarhar.

So. I was in the shower and I was gonna use these free samples of shampoo and conditioner i got in some magazine. They were IMPOSSIBLE to open. My dad started banging on the door, telling me to hurry up, and so I was scrambling with these sachets and yeah. Fun. ¬_¬

I got this really pretty notebook yesterday, it's pink and cushioned and has beaded flowers (I was in a spazzy girly mood).. No idea what to use it for. Suggestions?

f'some reason, people were taking care not to wake me up today. Weird..

I've nothing of interest to say. Toodles.

Another post, eehbygum.

I'm completely amazed at the whole hate thing people have going on against Katie Leung, justbecause she gets to play Cho Chang. All of this "Ugly bitch" nonsense, honestly, she's BEAUTIFUL. Have these people not seen the same pictures as me? Hm. Honestly, though, I must ask, why is it being blown so far out of proportion? You get a part in such a big movie, you get hate sites put up. The majority of the cast have them (Though, I must ssay, I've not stumbled across a Tom Felton one.)... Nonetheless, i feel sorry for her. Noone's seen her act yet, and still, people are "shecnt akt shez SOOOOOOOOOOOoo ugle itz nt fare!!!1!!111" which sucks..

That makes no sense, but never mind.

How funny is "As black as he's painted" by Minx? I've lost the link.. Ho hum.

How amazing is the word "Lycanthropic"?

so, I'm bored. Sixty reviews on Fanfiction.net, so that's good. I was expecting none, and yet I get 60, and no flames.

I'm 6'1" with my new wedges on. I love 'em.

*goes to make a shirt saying "Howl if you're Lycanthropic"* *Is terribly sad*

Oh, how squicky is Mpreg? I mean.. It's up there with bestiality in my books.

So yesterday me and mum had a bigass argument over washing up. I offered to do it and she was all "You have to offer when I'm already doing it! You've had all day to wash up and you have to annoy me when i try to do it!", so I said a VERY geeky comback and went to bed.

In bed I watched PoA (Again) and then read a little of OotP (Again), then got really annoyed when I couldn't find GoF, so I had a luittle spaz, turned my room upside down and now have a great big pile of books next to my pillow on my bed for easy access at night.

Then I decided I wanted to make a FanVideo. I don't have a DVD ripping thing so that was out (I wanted to make a True Romance/Puscifer thing..), so I wanted to make a Winamp skin. Then I got pissed off, wrote some smut, deleted the smut, found some YEARS old vidioes of myself and my family (AND KIM!!! She invited me to Prom but my mother said no. A girl I like invites me to a goddamn Prom and my mum says no... Sheesh - though she does have good reason, I guess.) and went to sleep.

Then this morning I woke up all of my own accord (Ok, so it was afternoon, but whatever), my mum was out and my dad was watching "A Car Is Born", so I had a quick breakfast and went and got dressed, then lounged around upstairs for a little while, watching some sad fanvideos (Sad as in make me cry, not pathetic), then came downstairs. Dad said I could watch TV, but all I want to watch is fashion TV but I'm not allowed (Mum's rules) and so I danced in my new shoes in the kitchen for a while, then came online and started a big download.

it got to 50% when my dad said we were going to my grans. Fair dos, she has broadband and mint imperials (I love her really) and so I cancelled the download. Then he said I had to stay here, so when he left I put loud music on.

Fun.

I haven't spoken to my mum since yesterday. I feel kinda bad because she seemed upset after me and Phil stormed upstairs...

Oh, my emotion->touch syn has been going INSANE. Seriously it's like i can't do anything without feeling what people are feeling. Maybe it's 'cos it's not my actual emotions or something. Or maybe it's 'cos ...

Mum's home.

How cool is music from 60's-80's? I am raiding my mothers and fathers collections.

Fanfiction aint working. :(

*decides to sing*

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

INSTRUMENTAL

Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turnaround, But every now and then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turnaround, Every now and then I know there's nothing any better and there's nothing that I just wouldn't do
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can do

A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

I'm back because I'm bored.

I've gotten this like... Obsession with Harry Potter. It's scary.. And I'm addicted to coffee, carrots and diet coke.. And I've started drawing, and you can actually tell that the people are people now. :P

Wish you allllll the best!

SO i don't update anymore.

Life is good. I've dropped out of school and stopped talking to people over the net therefore lost all of my friends (Friends from london I spoke to over MSN)... But I really don't mind, which is horrible but true.

I'm becoming a class A trampolinist (Well, I'm not, but I love that damn thing!) and stuff.

Yeah. I'm generally happy, which is really good. Yup.. I can't find two of the books I want to read. I think Iona has one but in all honesty, I'd rather buy it again than track her down.

Right. This'll be my last post for a long time I dare say. I've nothing to bitch about, so what's the need?

I wish you all the best.

Cera.

Turns out I'm possibly a Synesthete! another thing to add to the "weird, ungood things i have.." list.

i swear what i experience is everyday, everyperson stuff. Ach well..

Ohmyjesus.

So tired. I accidentally filled a bottle that had vodka in it with diet coke, and brought it to school. I'd drank most of it before I realised (HOW?!?!) and was slightly tipsy durng my goddamn English assessment. I was like, laughing but trying not to because my grade depends on it.

I made sure I threw the rest away.

The effects have all worn off now. Boo.

Uhm..

OH! I've got my camera in my bag. Gonna ask that dude if I can take pictures of him later. (He's been with his friends like, all day, and I don't wanna embarrass him).. He's soi cute. I was sort of staring at him earlier, too. Oh well. I think he looked at me, too, but probably "Why's that ugly fat bitch looking at me?" rather than any GOOD way. Jesus.

Oh.. In the assessment, too, I took off my jumper and this girl said "You have massive boobs" and another girl went "YEAH! I noticed that a while ago.." Haha. Great. ><

Still no cigarettes.

Oh, last night I was watching How Thin Is Too Thin? and my mum was all "If your eating gets any funnier now, i'll put weight gain stuff in your green tea." -_-'' I don't really get how my eating habiots are 'FUNNY' now. I just only eat one meal. I'm still alive, no? What's there to fucking complain about? Jeesus.

I bought my mum a box of celebrations as an early mothers day thing. She was like "Oh.. Thanks." and ugh. If she didn't WANT them, she should have told me and I'd've taken them back and bought the goddamn magazine i wanted.. *sigh* Oh well.

(She's not being a bitch, btw, but I think she's trying to lose weight.. Soi I pissed on her parade a little. But GGH!)

Ohmygod. It's snowing so much. I think tomorrow will be a snow day, so I'm putting off my depressing homework (Basically wrote a speech blaming society for my suicide).

My mother is really getting on my back about eating. Talking about me like I'm not there, telling me I HAVE to take a packed lunch to school (Uh, doesn't she realise I can throw it away?!)..

I'm out of cigarettes. And diet pills. And money. ):

Him [23:10]: I feel sick now. :( My throat hurts when I talk ... I don't talk a lot. >_<

Me [23:12]: Lol. You realise you're practically complaining about having a friend who's willing to spend nearly an hour on the phone to you?

Him [23:12]: Yeah ... >_< I don't like letting myself be happy. Always have to complain about something when I am, to bring myself back down

Me [23:13]: Why do you have to come back down?

Him [23:14]: I dunno. I don't like being overly happy. :-\ Well, I like it when the moment's there ... but when the moment passes ... it feels wrong to be. :-\

Me [23:16]: Lucky you.


UGH. Doesn't he understand I'd LOVE to be able to feel happy!? He doesn't know what it's like to sit shaking, smoking, trying not to cry, all because you're afraid of something as simple as FOOD or GOING OUTSIDE or your FRIENDS wnting to sleep with you because it's all you're good for!

I'm a hypocrite and I don't care.






I need a cigarette. God damn.

2 weeks ago, my "friend" turned up at my school, asking to see me. The school called my parents, who freaked and came and took me home. My "friend" later went to my house. My dad threatened to kill him.

So I've not been in school for a while. And I'm getting a restraining order against this "stalker", apparently. Uhm.. Yeah. So now everyone thinks I'm going ot be abducted or something. ~_~ I can look after myself, but noone cares about that. Oh well. I'm sure I'll survive. Dad's going ot Malaysia again on sunday.

I got my hair cut, too. I hate it.

My plans for tomorrow were:
- Go to see white noise
- Go shopping

Both with Emma and Amy. But neither of them want to go now! Which is fucking annoying, as I needed tomorrow to get more diet pills and stuff. Tilly is going to see White noise, too, but with a different bunch of people. I might ask if I can tag along with them, but it's like "And the ugly girl asked if she could accompany a group of hott guys to the cinema"... No. They only talk to me 'cos I hang around with beautiful people.

Now, this pretty girl is asking me about colleges and stuff, and I haven't even applied to any when they've all been accepted. I mean, fucking hell. They all had interviews at PPC today, and they all got in, and I was like "Oh, well done!" and I am happy that they got in but I'm so pissed that I am going to end up sat at home, wathing TV and talking to annoying people all day and stuff while they're doing psychology, philosophy and things I want to study. I need to get my life sorted out. My R.E teacher had quite a freak-out when i said i didn't know what I wanted to do or what college I want to go to or even if i WANT to go to college.

I suppose I'll apply to PPC, MC and RCC and then go to whichever'll accept some stupid, screwed up, ugly girl. I mean, if I fail GCSEs then I'll just go to PPC and retake them, since it's only a few miles away and inbetween classes I could go to my grans, since she lives in Guis.

I look more of a mess than usual. I was looking after katie this morning and she wiped toast down me. Then drooled on my shoulder. Then thought it was hilarious to pull my hair. Then my mum said "YOU'LL BE LATE!!" when i reached for the hairbrush. ><;

At least it's the weekend. Phil isn't coming home tonight. I *think* Becky has a sleepover. Dad's going out.. So it'll be me, Mam and Katie. And they're going to London tomorrow. Wow, solitude.

It's raining.

Oh, Laura said I have good music taste. Lol. Twisted Sister, AC/DC and suchlike seem to impress people here.

I've eaten so many mints today, just to keep myself alive. *sigh* By alive i mean, awake..

Haha. "See you later, Carer." ¬_¬ See, people call me "Carer" and "Kerrah".. Very few actually say "Cera". But I don't mind. At the bell I'll go get some college thingamabobs.

I'll leave you be, now.

Yes, so I'm still overdosing. I don't even know what the fuck these pills are meant to do apart from "cure!". Which is odd, since I'm heavily relying on them ("It's okay if I have a beer or three while I watch the O.C, aslong as I take about 9247325467823 pills!").. Wqtch, I'll like, gain a stone.

I want to visit a grandparent. I have 2 (living, anyway). I'm not sure which to visit. One has a BEAUTIFUL big black dog which adores me ^^; AND a huge trampoline. The other has a computer (I need to get more mew-zak onto my iPod) and alcohol. And totally agrees with me on the whole "friend" thing. Whereas the other agrees with my mother that I'm a slag.

Ohh, whilst on the topic of me and males, on the way to school this morning, I had my iPod hooked up to the car speakers and placebo came on and I said "Ahh.. Brian Molko is a fiiiiine specimen of a human." and my mother asked "Why do you only like men who look like girls?"
Me: "Because the lumberjack thing isn't my style."
Her: "I'm not meaning lumberjacks, just.. the only people you like are androgynous."
Me: "They're very manly, actually."
Her: "Psh."
Me: "I'll even get you a picture of Mr Molko looking REALLY manly if you want."
HEr: "like you could find one."
Me: "Leave it to me.."

And so she did, and so I found:

!!! http://brianmolko.free.fr/pictures/brianselcover.jpg !!!

And after she's witnessed it, it'll go on my wall. I'm sad, we know.





Well, s'all I have to say for now. Bye. E. E.





And so forth..

Not much to report, lol. I got some pills the other day, severely overdosed on them but feel fine. You're supposed to take 3 a day, max, and I take one for like, everything. "One for this clementine, one for this drink of Dr Pepper, one for this piece of bread, one for this bit of jam in the bread...: and so forth. I think I had 3 for one bottle of lager. ><; They're diet pills, btw. You've got to eat one after each meal and it does something. Apparently it's an "obesity cure" (So says the box) which is hilarious.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna stop taking so many, because I don't think it's helping. I just feel so lethargic but tense and stuff. I'm feeling kinda robotic. I'm functioning perfectly, but unemotionally. Which is odd.

What else've I got to say? Oh. I was writing a to do list, and then went out of the room for something, then when I came back my mum had added onto it for me. :\ It was "Tidy up!", "Cut that bloody ribbon off!" and.. something else stupid. Lol. I'm actually gonna tidy, 'cos I get 2 Placebo CD's if I do (See, why do things at once when if you wait you actually get something back? Before it was just "TIDY UP", now it's "Tidy up and I'll get you some CD's")

Thge ribbon is a no-no. My "friend" (Still not spoken) tied that on, so fuck off..

Uhh.. I thought my iPod was broken yeste4rday, but all is good. I sleep with it playing now. ^^; What else (My life is so boring)..? Oh. Yeah. City of Angels is one of my fave movies.. :(

Ok. I'm being a rebel, and am in the library instead of in my lesson. I have a note, but it's old. I can play the innocent student though (My acting is improving.) so I'm pretty sure all'll go well.

I have so far today eaten a polo. Damn things, so addictive. Doesn't each one have like, 10-15 calories? I don't like..

Last night I set my alarm for 2:40am so I could record the Good Girl. But it didn't wake me up. However, I was woken by the sound of dad throwing up at 4am, and couldn't sleep afterwards. So I'm knackered. I nearly begged my mother to let me stay off school ("Please, Mam. I'll look after Katie! Give you a day off!") and went into a really bad mood when she said no.

Oh, gran is so kewl. She was like "I think it's stupid, them stopping you talking to him. What is meant to be will be, no matter what they do or say!"

My English teacher gave me "The Bell Jar" to read. Apparantly I'd like it. I've wanted to read it for ages, so I won't complain.

I think I'll get pissed tonight. I was sort of invited to a houseparty thing, but I prefer to get drunk alone. *shrug* So many calories in vodka, though..

Oh yes. I now own an iPod mini. It's pink, which is "mleh", but it has a teense of good music on it, so it's all good.

3 Gackt songs.
2 Diru songs.
1 Talib Kweli Album.
2 Placebo albums.
1 The Killers Album.
1 New Found Glory Album (Becky made me put it on..)
2 AFI Songs.
5 Ali songs.
1 Avril Lavigne Album. :\
1 Black Lab Song.
2 Bryan Adams Songs.
1 Creed Album.
1 Eminem Album.
1 Evanescence Album.
1 Green Day Album.
1 Il Divo album.
1 Marvin Gaye song.
1 Miyavi song.
1 radiohead song.
1 Ryan Adams album.
1 snoop dogg album (Thank Phil..)
1 Sting song.

And last but not least.. The A-Team theme. ^^;

Sadly, I only listen to a few songs. But many times. This is the umpteenth time I've listened to "rain" (Gackt) today.

In science, it was like:

Anna: What're you listening to?
Me: Oh, Gackt.. Japanese guy..
Anna: Ohh..
*five minutes later*
Me: Now it's Talib Kweli.
Anna: Is he Japanese, too?
Me: --; No. *passes her headphone*
Anna: Ohh..

I'm all alone in this big room. A.k.a Library. I should work.. one hour 10 minutes left in here.

OH! I bought the book "Emotional intelligence" last night. (My mother gave me my money. But I didn't call my friend because I'm too scared to. I'm pathetic, I know.) The book is really good.. I was like "whaaaat?" at first, being thick and all, but yes, once I started to get my head around it I was slighlty hooked. I'm just waiting to see what it has to say about ED's. :\

I just took a quick glimpse. Just that "back in the day" there were no labels for anorexia or bulimia. Psh.

I'm going to my grans tonight, so I might add more to this then.

Oh, I'm becoming more socially acepted now. No more lame insults scribbled on my stuff.. being invited out after school.. yup.

*EDIT*
Oh my jesus I just remembered. Yesterday Katie (toddler sister for those of you who don't know my family tree by heart :P) put a tissue in her mouth and my mum grabbed it and said "Katie! You only eat tissue when you're on a diet!"

And I thought "Holy. Fuck." A DIET?! Tell me one nutritionist who'll recommend TISSUE PAPER as a substitute for food.

I got my own back, though.. for her always buying me food and making me eat.. I bought her a big bar of chocolate covered turkish delight. It was like "HA!".. but then I'm pretty sure she threw it away. She's on one of her diets.. fasting, basically. But still maing me eat.

My gran always cooks big dinners when I go there. And it's impossible for me to purge. Soo.. I will tell her that I had a huge lunch. Yup. And then just have celery. ^^; I am loving my plan.

Got to be going. The sky is really light grey-ey purple. and the trees look black. Pretty. :)

I did exactly 0 bits of work in these hours.. just surfed ze net. :P Hope all's well.

table border='0' cellpadding='5' cellspacing='0' width='600'><tr><td></td><td> You scored as Loner.

</td></tr>

Loner		100%
Goth		69%
Punk/Rebel		69%
Drama nerd		56%
Stoner		50%
Prep/Jock/Cheerleader		44%
Geek		25%
Ghetto gangsta		25%

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com</table>

A loner I am. Goth? Apparently. Punk/Rebel? Apparently. Drama Nerd? No. Stoner? No. P/J/C? ..Wtf? No. Geek? Apparently. Ghetto Gangster? No.

I'll go. No. Uhm, nabbed from Hanz. :)

You scored as Spirit. This shows that Spirit is the predominating force in your life. You are probably one of the most balanced individuals, fairly close to enlightenment. Go be a yogi or something! </td> Spirit 75% Air 65% Water 60% Fire 55% Earth 30% Which of the Five Elements are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Damn.

xD;; "You have been known to do a little breaking and entering." Good memories.

You scored as Alice. Wake up Alice! Life isn't so bad you need to entertain yourself by talking to animals that only speak because you've taken too many hallucigens. </td> Alice 88% The Catapillar 81% The Cheshire Cat 81% The Red Queen 69% The Mad Hatter 44% The White Rabbit 38% Could you survive Wonderland? created with QuizFarm.com

NO! The mad hatter was my favourite.. No, mad hatter is my friends favourite, but shush. I'm obsessed. We know.

Ooh. I know you dont need a quiz to tell you whether or not you're suicidal, but I'm interested. ><

You scored as Meet the Reaper. You need to die. You are not doing anything particularly worthwhile. So unless you have people around you who love you, end it. </td> Meet the Reaper 42% Hey, your OK. 25% Back the Fuck Away! 17% Are you Suicidal? created with QuizFarm.com

Charming. ¬_¬

You scored as Meet the Reaper. You need to die. You are not doing anything particularly worthwhile. So unless you have people around you who love you, end it. </td> Meet the Reaper 42% Hey, your OK. 25% Back the Fuck Away! 17% Are you Suicidal? created with QuizFarm.com

I'm so bored. I can't remember how to do lj cuts...

You scored as Blizzard. </td> Blizzard 83% Sporadic rain shower 63% Cloudy day. 54% Thunderstorm 46% Clear blue sky 17% Your Force of Nature created with QuizFarm.com

GGH! g2g. xx

Ok. Right.

Dad got back on Saturday evening, we drove to newcastle airport to get him. I talked too much in the car on the way there. God damn, I talked about EVERYTHING. I had a go on his iPod(Yes, he got one in .. Australia?) since i haven't one of my own, and was quite thrilled to see he had lots of Placebo and REM..

No mention of my friend yet.

Oh, that night I have only one glass of vodka and orange. But it was like, 90% vodka and 10% orange.. so it's all good. Had a good nights sleep, haha..

Sunday.. Went to my grans, she said that i'm doing well, "not letting the buggers grind you down" but she was pissed that I still haven't spoken to my "friend".

Today.. I freaked out, because I realised that perfection is impossible to achieve for ANYTHING. No table is perfect, no human, no tree, no computer.. And so yes. I freaked. I've eaten celery so far. Good good. Told mother I'm detoxing, eating only fruit and veg.. Even though All I'm eating is celery. When I'm hungry..

Uhh.. Yes. So noones mentioned my friend, but I had a dream about him. We were walking around London on a really sunny day, and he'd had a haircut, which was quite upsetting 'cos I love his long hair. Anyway, we went to my flat, for some reason, and we hid, because my mum was there.. And for some reason Becky had to hide, but she wouldn't 'cos it was too warm. It was strange.

I got told I'm like a robot. I don't speak, apparently. Great.

I'm worried, but trying not to think. A problem, but a blessing. Focus on getting down to nothing. THAT is my goal.. Yes.